I know she doesn't understand. She will blame me I am sure. I can't see her. I can't face the upset it will cause to my family. What will she expect of me anyway? I can't be her mum now. It is too late for that. What good would it do?
I had her in the Sixties. It is true that they were swinging and I had a great time in the dance halls of London. Away from Ireland, away from my parents, being young and free.
I thought I was in love. An Irish lad of course. A plumber by trade and a great dancer to boot. We talked of marriage. I was probably young and daft. I fell for his charm and was easily led. I don't like to talk about it but he hit me. In the end, I decided he was not a good bet.
The problem was by then I was pregnant with his child. I had to hide it from Mammy and Daddy. This was difficult as I usually went home at Christmas every year. As I was due in mid-December, I had to say I was working over Christmas. I don't know whether they believed me. They never knew about their grandchild.
He came to see his new daughter and said she was beautiful. A big baby with curls and soft skin. We argued though and he went away. I don't know where he ended up.
My daughter went to a Yorkshire family. I told them to make sure she had a big garden to play in and to keep her in the Catholic faith.
I had to take my baby up to Yorkshire and hand her over to the nuns. I left her with a blanket and a doll I had bought her. I wonder if she still has it. (SHE DOES BY THE WAY)