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Friday, 1 October 2010

I am boring

Did you know just how boring I am?

I am really, really boring.

I don't have a valid opinion on anything.

I am a waste of space, a blot on the landscape, an intrusion into other people's good times.

I am hurt and lonely.

It is difficult when the people who know you best don't want to talk to you or spend time with you. You can talk and talk but it is clear there is no interest left. Anyone else but you is good, you are crap.

I want to be appreciated, loved, cherished, something.

My son won't say goodnight to me. My husband says he wants to go to sleep and yet when he was partying with my Dad just minutes ago, he was wide awake. It is me - I bore people.

At school I was the swot - hence boring
At secondary school, I was identified with Margaret Thatcher (wrongly as it happens but since when has that made a difference?) - hence, boring
At college, I was viewed as boring, undesirable, generally not right
At work, bosses hated me for working hard or having ideas with the exception of the enlightened woman-loving boss
I was dumped by the first partner - too boring presumably and traded in for a younger, better-looking model
Netmums contacts who called me crazy and other things
Chrissakes - even my parents dumped me

Why do I keep trusting people only to get kicked in the guts?

And yet, there are voices who tell me otherwise.

A friend who says I have a good heart
Mummy friends who share a laugh online from time to time
A friend who forgives me for an error of judgement
A friend from school who wants to give me a go
My children who always want a cuddle and tell me they love me
My pets
Twitter friends who say my writing serves some sort of purpose or is beautiful, sensitive or other lovely descriptions

Yes, I have had a drink. Yes my darling husband is asleep having told me I am talking bollocks - how very charming! Yes, I still love my new life in the country and will bounce back.

I think, like many women/people, I accept too little sometimes but am too old, knackered and past it to say, hang on a minute, I used to be a feisty, bolshy firebrand and I am worth listening to and if you can't see that, it says more about you than me.

One day this particular worm will turn - watch out

3 comments:

  1. If you really were boring, you wouldn't have so many followers! Your husband is right. You are still a firebrand, my firewalking friend.

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  2. Would you rather be shallow ? Far better to think, and feel, empathise and love. Sometimes this is boring, especially to the shallow.

    Plus only in adulthood do we realise that the tales of our forebears should have been attended to. That history becomes important. That the stories and myths were worth remembering.

    I too was called Maggie. Maggie is evil but never boring - in a lot of ways it was a compliment !

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  3. It's so easy to believe everyone else out there is more interesting than yourself, more beautiful, having more fun etc etc..

    It's more difficult to believe the truth, I fight with it regularly and every time I think I have things under control and and settled and sorted, I start at the beginning again...

    ReplyDelete