Did you know just how boring I am?
I am really, really boring.
I don't have a valid opinion on anything.
I am a waste of space, a blot on the landscape, an intrusion into other people's good times.
I am hurt and lonely.
It is difficult when the people who know you best don't want to talk to you or spend time with you. You can talk and talk but it is clear there is no interest left. Anyone else but you is good, you are crap.
I want to be appreciated, loved, cherished, something.
My son won't say goodnight to me. My husband says he wants to go to sleep and yet when he was partying with my Dad just minutes ago, he was wide awake. It is me - I bore people.
At school I was the swot - hence boring
At secondary school, I was identified with Margaret Thatcher (wrongly as it happens but since when has that made a difference?) - hence, boring
At college, I was viewed as boring, undesirable, generally not right
At work, bosses hated me for working hard or having ideas with the exception of the enlightened woman-loving boss
I was dumped by the first partner - too boring presumably and traded in for a younger, better-looking model
Netmums contacts who called me crazy and other things
Chrissakes - even my parents dumped me
Why do I keep trusting people only to get kicked in the guts?
And yet, there are voices who tell me otherwise.
A friend who says I have a good heart
Mummy friends who share a laugh online from time to time
A friend who forgives me for an error of judgement
A friend from school who wants to give me a go
My children who always want a cuddle and tell me they love me
Twitter friends who say my writing serves some sort of purpose or is beautiful, sensitive or other lovely descriptions
Yes, I have had a drink. Yes my darling husband is asleep having told me I am talking bollocks - how very charming! Yes, I still love my new life in the country and will bounce back.
I think, like many women/people, I accept too little sometimes but am too old, knackered and past it to say, hang on a minute, I used to be a feisty, bolshy firebrand and I am worth listening to and if you can't see that, it says more about you than me.
One day this particular worm will turn - watch out