Depression is yuck!
It sneaks up and catches you by surprise. It disconnects you from others and life so you can see clearly but not enjoy.
When I am depressed, I want to curl up, close my eyes and blot out everything. But family life and marriage does not allow that. There are things to do, people to relate to so you become even more false playing the game, doing the chores and heading even lower. Other people's needs having to take the priority.
Apparently over-achievers are known to be very prone to depression. This is interesting as I spend most of my depressed times reeling off like a litany of saints the ways in which I am a non-achiever, worthless, useless, a bore. Or maybe reading about this aspect of depression is useful giving a little spark that maybe I have achieved something at some point in life.
I know I am not the only person who gets depressed. The problem is I can feel for fellow sufferers, want to ease their pain and so on. For me, I find it hard to accept that my depression is a mental health issue and therefore just like a broken bone in that is should not be pilloried. But my depression is different, it is my fault, I am a bad person etc - there is an arrogance in this I know. Is that part of depression too?
Today is a sunny day outside and a foggy one inside my mind. But there is hope in that I am writing and that always helps. I am OK as I know this will shift - just have to wait for it i
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You are not alone. Force yourself out into that sunshine. Keep writing and talking. Share. You are loved and appreciated. Be kind to yourself.
ReplyDeleteThe tendency to blame yourself for your depression is a side effect of depression. It's the whole self-loathing bit that is part and parcel of the depression.
ReplyDeleteI'm currently struggling with depression, as well. There is something cathartic in doing for others, getting the bare minimum done. At least something got done. There are days that I am pleased if the boys are fed all three meals. They may spend all day in their PJs and watching Thomas the Tank Engine ad nauseum, but they are alive and fed.
Good luck.
Yes, depression sucks, whether it's yourself or a loved one. And it does creep up unannounced. Hang in there, you are well loved.
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